Turning Purple
by Fyreborne
Summary: Set in Another Day... from The World Ends With You. So AU to main storyline but canon with A.D. Joshua's annoying demeanor towards his tin pin pal, Neku, conceal not only tempestuous romantic feelings, but also a deep, dark past. Eventual JoshuaxNeku
1. Reunion

**Hi! Ok, this is a The World Ends With You JoshuaxNeku story set in the 'Another Day' part. That mean's it's not technically AU, but canon for that part of the game. It's not canon with the main storyline- Joshua is not the conductor, the game in the UG didn't take place, they're just two teens who met through the events of 'Another Day' chapter. I've suspended work on it for the moment as I'm a bit stuck, so read at your peril, as it may not be completed for several months. This has a bit more substance to it than SakurabaxKiyru, in my opinion. Other than that, enjoy! Oh, and all the chapters are rather short…**

The silver-haired boy leant back against the railings of the school gate. The mad rush of teens leaving the gates had ended, and only a few stragglers remained. Had he already missed the teen he was waiting for? He sighed and crossed his arms and wrapped his long cream-coloured coat across his body, vowing to only wait a few more minutes, then to try visiting Neku's home. If his friend wasn't back yet, Mrs. Sakuraba would make him welcome.

Finally, the boy emerged, orange hair and the purple scarf vibrant against the tall, grey buildings. Looking at the boy in his uniform and casually slung-on leather jacket, so beautiful against the school's drab buildings, Joshua's heart fluttered. A thin blanket of snow was on the ground and Neku shivered as he trod through it. Though the initial blizzard had died down, a few flakes sprinkled his hair, his payment for his refusal to wear a hat.

Although it had only been about three weeks since the two had seen each other, both having been weighed down with exams, Neku's appearance was a little different. His hair was still spiked, but noticeably a little shorter, suggesting that after the months of emo jokes, he had finally succumbed to Sota's scissors, and Joshua was sure he had grown half an inch. Joshua himself, however, had also shot up since the first time they had met about four months ago, so despite Neku's recent growth spurt he was still about an inch taller, though thinner-framed.

The boy registered Joshua at the gates, and gave him an uncomfortable smile to register that he had seen him. Joshua had originally had problems getting Neku to connect with him; though quite a friendly person, Neku seemed to have the vague idea that Joshua was… well, a little insane. On that note, perhaps he was right. They had only really seen each other when the former spirits met up for coffee and tin pin games at Wildkat, or went back to Neku's place (his house being the biggest of all the friends'). Joshua was a few months older than Neku, both of them now 16, and the months in which their birthdays fell led Joshua to be a school year above Neku, and he also went to a different high school, so the pair hadn't met for a while.

As the boy neared, the face was calm and a little stubborn, and Joshua let a thin smile stretch across his lips.

"Ok, Neku?"

Neku shrugged, zipping up his jacket as the chill began to get to him.

"We were given an extra twenty minutes for the exam… I was one of the only ones to take it… I think everyone else just wanted to get out of there… their fault if they don't pass"

Joshua giggled at Neku's mixture of determination to be the best, and apparent jealousy that he had not finished sooner.

"Eh, they're idiots" smiled Joshua, more comfortable with insulting Neku's adversaries than with directly complimenting him. "How've you been?"

"Not bad." sighed Neku, his closed tone indicating that he'd rather be alone right now.

As usual, Joshua ignored that tone and spoke nonchalantly.

"I decided we'd hang out today… since I have nothing better to do" smirked Joshua, tossing his slipping scarf over his shoulder.

"You can't just DECIDE that" Neku said, his hands moving animatedly. "Where do you think we're going to hang out then?"

"Your house, obviously."

Neku scowled.

"Oh, Neku, you look so sweet when you're angry" he giggled.

"I am NOT sweet" hissed the reply

Joshua waved a hand arrogantly "Not the kind of thing oneself can judge, dear" he remained smirking.

Neku still looked angry, but seemed to concede that if Joshua was going to follow him home, he better not give him any more reason to be annoying than his personality already seemed to entail.

"Ok… you can come round… but only cause you've irritated me to do it"

Joshua giggled "Face it, I'm actually your friend"

"Face it… I actually think you're an ass"

With that, the redhead crossed his arms and continued towards his house, Joshua behind him, smirking and giggling all the way.


	2. Secret

Hey mom… Joshua's here" Neku went to head for the stairs, not waiting for a response.

Mrs. Sakuraba hurried into the hall from the kitchen, an oven glove over one shoulder and Neku turned back.

"Hi Joshua" she smiled "How've you been"

Mrs. Sakuraba knew all of Neku's friends by name, and was particularly keen, Joshua liked to think, on himself… perhaps because he sometimes managed to worm his way into staying for one of her dinners, and would complement her highly on them.

He nodded courteously "Fine, thanks, Mrs. Sakuraba…missed little Neku though"

"I'm not little" Neku wriggled away as Joshua ruffled his hair, and his mum laughed. "Cut it out!" he grumbled, squirming.

"Well you guys go hang out; I'm in the middle of cooking… Joshua, I hope you're staying for dinner?"

"Oh, of course, Mrs. S" smiled Joshua, ignoring the look of fury Neku shot at him.

"Good, well, It'll only be about twenty minutes… I'll call you"

Neku grumbled something resembling a thank you and trudged up the stairs.

Joshua had never been into Neku's bedroom before. The 'spirits' usually hung out in the lounge, since there was more floor space, and even when Joshua stuck around for dinner, Neku would make him leave immediately afterwards. Today Neku was tired and Joshua seemed to have worn him down, and he pushed open the door, sighing, leaving Joshua to follow him. Whilst Neku sat down on the edge of his bed, chucking off his coat and undoing his shoes, Joshua stared around in the closest he could get to awe.

The room was fairly messy, with clothes, games and old newspapers thrown about the place, not to mention the piles of tin pins that Neku wasn't currently using in his deck. But it was almost double the size of Joshua's own (not that that was saying much) and everything was large, the bed, the wardrobe, the TV. Joshua peered into what had originally looked like an open cupboard only to find that Neku had his own bathroom. Joshua felt eyes on him, and turned to see Neku staring at him.

"What?" Joshua asked, folding his arms

"Why are you asking me that, you're the one wandering around my bedroom like you've never seen one before..."

"I haven't seen this one… and anyway…" he kept up his façade of haughtiness. "I'm nosey."

There were shelves stocked with books, that being the one thing Neku's room had in common with Joshua's, above a desk with a laptop sitting on it. Joshua ran his finger along them, impressed. He had been an avid reader for many years, and even he hadn't read all of these. They varied from manga to fiction, from sci-fi to psychology… ah, and here were some philosophy books, Joshua's favourite.

"Hey!" he said, spotting something familiar "This is the sequel to the book I'm reading now!" he pulled the slim, battered paperback out of one of the hidden pockets inside his coat "Have you read the whole series?"

Neku scoffed, leaning back on the bed. "I don't read that sort of thing much"

"Oh." said Joshua, his excitement suddenly downtrodden.

"You can have that book, though" Neku yawned, and got up to walk over to his chest of drawers.

"Really? Thanks!" Joshua for once was open with his gratitude, as he pulled out the shining untouched hardback and put down his own tatty book on top.

"You can take off your coat by the way" Neku said, with a tone that sounded like he was trying to make Joshua feel stupid. Was he trying? Or was it just Joshua's overactive imagination? Joshua slipped the coat off and folded it carefully across the back of Neku's desk chair. His keys fell out and he bent to pick them up, slipping them into the pocket of his jeans. When he stood again, the breath caught in his chest as he saw Neku across the room, now topless, picking out a t-shirt. Wow. For someone who tended to wear baggy tops and thick jumpers, Neku's chest was quite well defined. Somehow he hoped Neku would be changing out of his school trousers, too…

"What are you looking at?" asked Neku, and Joshua jumped, noticing he had been staring.

"Nothing" he muttered, and turned his head away towards the desk. Noticing a purple binder covered in Tin Pin stickers (Joshua seemed to recall these had once been highly collectible) he picked it up.

"What's this Neku?"

"Hmm?" Neku asked, slipping on a long-sleeved red shirt

Joshua opened the binder, inside which were meticulously clean plastic files, and read aloud the graffiti-styled title on the first page.

"Scrapbook" he giggled "Aw, Neku, how cu-"

Neku darted across the room, grabbing the book from a surprised Joshua's grasp.

"Don't…" he panted "…read that"

"Why not?" asked Joshua, reaching for the binder.

"Just don't, okay." Neku stepped back and threw the binder under his bed, looking back at Joshua angrily.

"Geez, Neku, that must be one hell of a scrapbook…" Joshua mused

"It's just private, ok?"

"Is it porn, Neku?"

"NO."

"You know, it's nothing to be ashamed of… we could even look at it together…"

"It's NOT porn"

"It's completely normal for a sixteen-year-old to have raging hormones, Neku" he brushed a strand of hair away from Neku's face in a way that wasn't exactly provocative… but wasn't free of suggestion either…

Neku reeled back "I'm sure that's how you rationalize it to yourself, Josh. For that matter, I don't know if I can trust being near you…" He went back to his bed,

"Oh" Joshua retorted "I see what you did there!"

He muttered something under his breath, smirking, which he doubted Neku would hear.

"Just watch your back, Sakuraba…"


	3. Revelation

"What was that?" asked Neku

Whatever Joshua was about to claim to have mumbled, it was interrupted from a yell downstairs.

"Neku, Joshua, dinner!" called Mrs. Sakuraba.

"Coming Mum" yelled Neku, and got up to open the door, Joshua following behind him smiling.

They went down, to find Mrs. Sakuraba getting a sizzling dish out of the oven, and Neku's father laying the table for the four of them.

"Hey boys" said Mr. Sakuraba. He extended a hand towards Joshua "You must be Joshua, pleased to meet you"

Mr. Sakuraba often worked late and Joshua hadn't had the opportunity to meet him yet. He shook the mans hand, the azure eyes alerting him to where Neku's own had come from. The orange hair was still a mystery, both the Sakuraba parents being deep brunettes. Neku sat down at the table, and Joshua took the place beside him. Mr. and Mrs. Sakuraba brought the full plates over. Although Joshua never particularly went hungry, he couldn't remember the last time he had been given food as good as this… Neku's mother had excelled herself today. The food was so good that the meal was fairly quiet, all four of them savoring it. Although Joshua liked the food as much, if not more, than everyone else, the silence that hung around the table disturbed him. He didn't like it when no one was talking, it made him feel alone; probably because he did have to be alone, with his thoughts. Flashes of his past popped up and he shuddered, trying to push them away into a deep, dark corner of his mind like he always did. He peeked towards Neku, observing the teen's every movement out of the corner of one eye.

In the times when he was stuck with his own thoughts, Neku was one of the few topics that he could accept was okay to think about. Though initially skeptical to himself, Joshua now had no doubt that he had fallen for Neku. And it would've been impossible not to. Every delicate movement of the boys wrist as he turned his fork, bringing it to the lips that Joshua ached to kiss every time he looked at Neku's gorgeous face… The soft orange spikes that Joshua would love to run his hands through, and make his friend Neku into _his_ Neku. There had been times when he tripped over his words and almost told Neku the truth. But as the months of liking the boy passed, the fear creeped in about whether Neku would ever like him back. A part of him liked to think that Neku would find some place in his heart for him, someday. He looked away in case Neku noticed his stare, and went back to eating, his heart sighing. He wanted Neku to love him, so much… to at least care for him to the extent to call him a friend.

He doubted romance would be on the cards anytime soon, as Neku was currently dating Shiki, another of those they met on the day of the Tin Pin championship. Well… he assumed they were still dating… she always seemed to have been more keen on Neku than Neku was on her… or maybe that was just Joshua's jealous mind at work. They had got together a few days before the last time Joshua and Neku had seen each other, and would now have been going out for nearly a month. He looked over at Neku, who had finished and if anything seemed to have calmed since their weird moment prior to the meal.

_He wants me really… _thought Joshua, sighing with the knowledge that he was probably incorrect.

He offered to help with the washing up, but Mrs. Sakuraba shooed him upstairs, saying that he was a guest, and it was Neku's turn to do it, and anyway, Neku would only have to load up the dishwasher so it wouldn't take long. Neku grumbled but let Joshua go up, saying he would be a few minutes. Joshua smiled to himself; clearly Neku had forgotten what Joshua would now almost certainly do.

When he got in the room, he reached under Neku's bed and pulled out the scrapbook-binder. He hoped the contents weren't highly disturbing, but even with the chance they were, he had to know. He practically prayed that if there was porn, it would be of the gay variety; at least then he'd know he had something to work on. He giggled and turned the first page. And what he saw was something he would've never, ever expected.

In neat oblongs, on clean, crisp pages covered by plastic, sat a few columns of 'Pinside Edition'. Smiling, he flicked through a few more pages, and his suspicion was confirmed. In this neat purple binder that Neku kept on his desk to look through when necessary, was every article Joshua had ever written for Pinhead Weekly. Some were photocopied, with Neku's own annotations on how to use them.

"So you 'scrap' them, eh, Neku?" he whispered, with a smile "… You don't hate me at all."

A picture fell as he turned one page, and he picked it up.

The picture was a Polaroid of the two of them on the day they met, taken by the Tin Pin organizers after the gang had defeated the Black Skullers. Most of the pictures were neatly slipped into a plastic wallet, but this one was stuffed in between the pages, obviously recently looked at. Joshua smiled and turned the picture over in his hand, only to find something scrawled on the back in Neku's handwriting.

_I met someone today who I've respected for a long, long time._

_He's completely fucking insane._

_But I don't think I mind…_

Suddenly there were footsteps along the landing, and Neku burst into the room.

"You… bastard…" he panted

"Am I a bastard Neku?" he smirked "Or do you…" he hissed the words "…_respect_ me"

Neku saw the picture in Joshua's hands and leapt across the room towards the bed where Joshua sat. He was apparently planning to have to wrestle the items from Joshua's grasp, but Joshua casually surrendered them, letting them fall to his lap. Neku seemed completely unaware that he brushed Joshua's inner thigh as he grabbed the books, but Joshua was highly aware of it, and shivered very slightly. Neku put the books back on his desk and returned to the bed to sit beside Joshua angrily.

"You know, if you'd shown me sooner, I could've given you an autograph to put in there."

"I read your stupid articles. What's wrong with that!"

"Nothing" said Joshua, for once deciding to save the moment to talk about this until later. "Want to tin pin?"

A few hours were whiled away by the tin pin matches… and rematches, and re-rematches, they played. Joshua was still buzzing on the notion that Neku respected him, that maybe there was even a chance Neku could fall for him...

The words he had read scribbled across his brain again.

_I don't think I mind…_


	4. Hurt

Finally exhausted from the multiple tin pin games, the two boys lay back on the bed. Joshua looked over at Neku, who was panting a little from a particularly complicated combo he had used to destroy one of Joshua's favourite pins. Joshua looked at the orange haired boy, who had a beat of sweat running down his forehead. He was so fucking sexy. He changed his position slightly to hide his growing erection. God, how he wanted to be close to Neku.

"Neku" Joshua said, hoping his eyes were glinting with a hint of malevolence and fun as he imagined.

Neku looked him straight in the eye, in a way that made his heart beat even faster. "What?"

As much as he wanted to tear off the boy's clothes, he made do with something more innocent.

Leaning over, he pinned Neku down on the bed and started tickling him. He resisted the urge to straddle him, that sort of contact would make his arousal for Neku far too obvious... instead he leaned over from the side, holding Neku's wrists together with one hand and tickling him with the other.

Neku wriggled "How are you so… fucking… strong?" he was laughing from the tickling, but was also clearly annoyed.

Joshua shrugged "Just am."

He suddenly noticed a small piece of paper protruding from under one of Neku's pillows. He stopped tickling and pulled it out inquisitively.

"My my" he clucked. He was thoroughly uninterested in the picture of Shiki in just her underwear, but decided it would be a fun way to tease Neku anyway.

"How is green?" he smirked, seeing Neku blush as he wriggled out of Joshua's loosened grasp and grabbed the picture. If only Neku blushed for him like that…

"SHUT UP" Neku sounded overtly angry, and walked over to the bin, tearing up the picture as he went.

"Not very nice to tear up pictures of your girlfriend, Neku…"

"She's not my girlfriend" Neku hissed. "Well… not anymore…"

"What happened?" asked Joshua, suddenly interested.

"It was… just a mutual thing, alright… I… she was too…" he seemed to be shrugging off his own words, wanting to end the conversation. "I don't know, maybe she just liked someone else…"

Joshua raised an eyebrow, wondering why Neku was lying. Shiki was clearly seriously interested in him, otherwise she never would've sent him her picture… Neku had broken up with her, he knew it, and he just didn't want to seem like a bastard. What was his real reason? Joshua leaned back on Neku's bed, probing Neku's arguments to try and make him confess.

"Someone else? Hmm…I wonder who… well I'm guessing not Rhyme… Green doesn't seem the pervy type to me… maybe Beat?" he held a hand to his chin. "Or Shooter seems a little more likely… mind you, him and Yammer… always thought there was a secret love thing going on there'

"They're just friends!"

"With benefits?" Josh's smirk grew wider.

"You don't fall in love just with someone just cause they're your best friend, you idiot"

"Easy for you to say, dear"

FUCK. What the hell was that? Did Neku pick up on what he had just said? Stupid, stupid Joshua. Luckily, before Neku had time to respond, Mr. Sakuraba called to the boys from behind the door.

"Quiet down now boys, we're about to go to sleep. Neku, if your friend is staying you better get the bedding out of the closet."

"No dad… he's not staying" replied Neku through gritted teeth.

"Ok, well he better get back soon then, it's already ten. Goodnight."

Taken aback, Joshua's mood turned from teasing to slightly put out. Had he really hurt Neku that much? He was just teasing. When the footsteps had returned down the hall, he gave Neku his most innocent look.

"Can't I stay, Neku?"

"No."

Neku crossed his arms angrily.

"Please."

"Go home."

"Neku… I just wanted to spend-" he was interrupted by Neku's continued outburst.

"No, fuck off! Leave me alone! Don't your parents want you or something?" he yelled.

The straw had broken for Joshua as the boy he cared so much about dug an emotional dagger into his heart. He jerked away from Neku and stumbled across the room, his eyes filling with tears. He hesitated when he got to the door, and turned back towards his friend. The truth that he had never told any of his spirit friends burned in his throat and spilled out of his mouth.

"They're dead." he said, his voice strangled with pain as he slammed Neku's bedroom door. He ran downstairs and out of the front door, heading down the long and twisted road, not really caring if he was easy prey to muggers or zooming cars. He thought he could hear Neku's voice call after him from quite far behind, but it could've just been his imagination hoping Neku cared. He had left his coat on Neku's chair, and with it his phone and books. He shivered in his thin black jumper, knowing that at least his keys were in his pocket so that Sam wouldn't yell at him for making her wake up to answer the door.

As he ran towards the alley which was the quickest shortcut to the children's home, tears streamed down his face as he realized that for all the distractions he gave himself, all the pretentious facades he came up with, all the friends he tried to make via stupid bloody tin pin… he, Yoshiya Kiyru, was completely, utterly alone.


	5. Aftermath

Joshua's dream was permeated by a loud, unwanted knock on his door.

"Joshua?" called a stern female voice.

Sam had a tendency to wake Joshua a lot earlier than he would've liked. Joshua mumbled something at the door and hid his head under the covers, the rude awakening alerting him to the fact that he hadn't closed his curtains the night before, and despite the grey sky, sunlight was now streaming through the window. As his brain drifted into full consciousness, the memories of the night before flooded back and he groaned, aware that the gluey feeling in his eyes was caused by dried-up tears.

Joshua rarely cried. But when he did everything escaped and it was hard to stop. Now he felt the gloomy aftermath, but no more tears were likely to emerge. He just felt empty and wanted to sleep until he felt normal again.

"Joshua! Are you awake?" the voice called again.

He refused to reply, and he heard footsteps back down the hall. Then Sam's voice again, at the end of the corridor.

"I'm sorry, but he's not awake yet." There was a pause. "Oh, I see. Well, if you want to come over, I'll try and wake him up." A pause again. "Oh, ok" she listed the name and postcode of the children's home, then another pause. "Alright, see you soon."

He heard her hang up the phone and walk back towards his room at the end of the corridor.

"Joshua!" she knocked three times, and Joshua sighed

"I'm up!" he yelled.

"Right, well one of your friends was on the phone… Neku, he said his name was?"

"Neku…" whispered Joshua "How does he know my number?"

"He says you left your phone there, Joshua, you really should be careful with your th-"

"I know, I know, I was just in a hurry to get back… Sorry…" he grumbled

"Well, get ready, he's coming over."

"What?" Joshua sat up "He's coming here… he can't…" He looked around the small room with panic.

"He's going to be about half an hour, you've got time. I'm afraid I cooked breakfast for the little ones hours ago, but I'll make you some toast."

"Ok…" Joshua replied reluctantly.

He stretched and sat up. Why had Sam told Neku where he lived? He didn't want Neku to see this place! He certainly wouldn't be impressed.

Joshua's walls were a deep blue colour, the same as they had been since a thirteen-year-old Joshua had begged Sam to let him paint the pale green into something 'more sophisticated'. He still didn't mind the colour, but it no longer excited him, and he had covered the walls with film and music posters, as well as dotting bright pink post-its with philosophical and interesting quotes all over the place. His single bed was pushed into the corner to try to make more space in the room, and one wall had a chest of drawers and a bookcase full of second-hand finds pushed against it. There were more shelves next to the window, holding the few possessions Joshua owned, as did a few plastic boxes underneath. Until recently his floor was green carpet, but it had become so worn and dirty they had decided to remove it and varnish the floorboards instead. Colourful rugs attempted to cheer it up and make it less uncomfortable underfoot.

Joshua sighed grabbed a his bathrobe, concluding that at least if the house didn't look good, he could, and rushed down the hallway to the bathroom, almost tripping on a stray toy fire truck. As he showered, he thought about the day before, and supposed that Neku wanted to apologize. Today he felt musing and deep and hazy, and he knew that it was because his parents had been brought up again. He supposed Neku would want an explanation now, too. He better be ready, it wasn't pretty. He knew he wouldn't cry, though, he was in the aftermath of tears now.

Stepping out, he gave his body and hair a quick dry and explored the cupboard above the sink until he found some eyeliner. He drew a thin line around his eyes, hoping that it de-emphasized how bloodshot they were. He slipped his robe back on and walked back to his room, this time more wary of any toys that might be lurking.

Stepping back into his room and closing the door, Joshua slipped the robe off and walked over to his drawers. He chose to wear a long-sleeved purple shirt and the usual dark jeans, deciding that once he got his coat back he would be warm enough. He heard the doorbell and Sam's greeting, followed by Neku's slightly shy reply. It was good to hear his voice again. He grabbed a comb and started sorting out his slightly damp hair.

A few seconds later, there were footsteps along the hall and a knock on his door.

"Come in, Neku" smiled Joshua.


	6. Memories

A worried-looking Neku shuffled in, not looking at Joshua, a backpack slung across his shoulders and Joshua's cream coat over one arm. Joshua looked back at him, neither of them saying anything.

Neku spoke quietly "I'm sorry." He held out the jacket in Joshua's direction.

Joshua nodded, and took the coat.

"So this is your… um… orphanage…"

Joshua laughed under his breath "They don't really call them that nowadays Neku. But I suppose so."

Neku blushed at his miswording. "Um… sorry."

"You said that." The tension hung between them in the air.

"I really mean it." Neku said. "For everything. I'm sorry I don't admit it Joshua but… I suppose you're my friend."

Joshua sniffed, and spoke quietly, but with some of his usual dignity returned.

"You don't have to be nice to me just because I'm an orphan."

"I'm not. I mean it."

He put his arms out awkwardly, and Joshua laughed.

"You haven't hugged many people before, have you, Neku?"

Neku crossed his arms again, Joshua beginning to grate on him once more.

"Here…" said Joshua, and pulled Neku into a still awkward hug. He was practically unable to breathe being unbelievably close to Neku, as innocent and friendly as the hug remained. "I forgive you for being a walking social faux pas." He stated, smirking.

Neku pulled away, still not used to hugging. "Thanks…"

Joshua crossed his arms "Anytime, my dear."

A silence hung in the air for a few seconds more.

"So…" said Neku "Um… do you want to talk about…"

Joshua raised an eyebrow "You reckon you'll know what to say if I do?"

Neku blushed, but seemed to be making allowances for his friend's arrogance.

"No… but… if you want someone to listen…"

Joshua shrugged

"I will tell you… but not in this dump… Why don't we go somewhere in Shibuya?"

"Sure… um…I'll buy you ramen?" Neku seemed relieved, clearly he knew he was able to compensate for his lack of social skills by having plenty of cash on him.

Ken Doi's ramen shop was a place for serious ramen fans, people who ate for pleasure rather than popularity. A lot of people would take away their meals to eat in a sunny part of Shibuya or in their homes. Only a few tables were occupied, despite the fact that it was a Saturday.

"Shio ramen for you, right?"

Joshua smiled and nodded as Neku paid for both of their orders. He walked around until he found a suitably quiet table, and sat down, waiting for Neku to bring over their orders. Neku didn't seem particularly pleased at this, but he begrudgingly brought the bowls over, obviously still obedient due to guilt.

"Thanks, dear" Joshua smiled as Neku passed him the ramen.

He savoured the noodles, suddenly aware that this was the first meal he had had since he was at Neku's house the night before. It was now about twelve. He had waved off the toast that Sam had made, preferring to wait until they got to the ramen restaurant.

Neku took a few mouthfuls of his own ramen, but was obviously waiting for Joshua, who had been quiet all the way here, to talk.

Joshua put down his fork, half the noodles already devoured. "Hmm. By the way you've been staring at me I presume this would be the time to tell you what happened."

Neku tried to seem fairly nonchalant, but Joshua couldn't help detect some form of care in his voice. "Well… I mean… that might be… if you want to, that is…"

Joshua sighed, although in reality, if he wanted anyone to hear this story, it was Neku. So he spoke quietly, and though he didn't look back at the redhead, he sincerely hoped the boy was listening.

"See, when I was younger, I was a normal little kid, with a mum and a dad… I almost had a sibling, too. I think I was kind of annoyed when they told me there would be a new baby 'cos… I'd been an only child for ages, I was used to it. I was about six, and it was… from what I remember it was near this sort of time, because the date she was supposed to have the baby was Christmas, and I remember a few jokes they made about my mum giving birth to Jesus… I mean, not that we were Christian but they still found it pretty hilarious…"

Joshua swallowed, tears stinging his eyes just like the day before. He looked at Neku, who seemed to be listening intently, and who's eyes were, for once, showing some form of emotion towards Joshua. "Anyway…" Joshua continued. "It was actually really early in December, I think, all I remember is it being a weekend and I was drawing and my parents were shouting, all excited, and saying something about premature… now I realize it was about the baby. Dad told me that to be good and to wait at home… we had no relatives in Japan, you see… and they were driving out the door but… the next thing I remember, these policemen came to see me and told me there had been an accident. Dad only had a broken leg but mum lost the baby… and a few days later she… she passed away." Joshua stopped playing with his noodles and had to close his eyes to keep from sobbing. "And dad… after the trial… I've read the case notes, Neku, and they let him off, it was the other driver's fault but… I guess he still felt guilty. He… well, you can guess. He left me a note as well, saying he was sorry, but it only made me think it was my fault for not reminding him I loved him and he still had me."

There was a silence hanging in the air.

"I… I'm so sorry Joshua." Neku reached out and placed a hand on Joshua's. Joshua felt comforted by the touch, but his body felt too numb to hold the hand or even show any registration of the hand on his, and Neku soon moved it back again.

"Well… at least if I ever tell you I hate Christmas… you'll know why now."

Neku nodded, and Joshua smiled.

"Don't worry too much about me, Neku. I'm ok."

Neku looked his own suspicious self "I don't think I believe you."

Joshua shrugged. "Well, at least I have my Neku." He grabbed back the hand Neku had taken away. Neku seemed to stare at the hand for a moment before he felt confident to take it back. "I'm not yours" he sulked, but it was said very faintly.

Silence lingered between them, and Joshua picked up his fork again and continued eating slowly.

Neku seemed to be thinking.

"So you don't celebrate Christmas?"

"Well… there's Christmas at the home, but to be honest it sucks, because most of the kids go see their parents if they have them. You know, the ones whose parents are abusive or in prison or whatever. I just feel left there, I guess. Sam or one of the others usually set up a Christmas dinner and stuff for us, but you can tell they'd rather be with _thier_ parents. So I don't really bother with it." He continued eating.

Neku was silent again.

"I don't suppose… they'd allow you to spend Christmas with someone else."

"Like who?" Joshua asked absent-mindedly, and through a mouthful of ramen.

"Like, a friend, maybe…"

Joshua paused, and looked up. Neku was smiling and a pang of happiness filled Joshua's heart.

"I'm sure that would be… absolutely fine, Neku."

Joshua removed a stray noodle from his face, and giggled.

"This is going to be fun, Neku."


	7. Confidante

_Hello! You'll probably hate this chapter, it's a bit filler-y, but sweet too. 4,000 yen= roughly £30 or $47._

* * *

"Sam?" Joshua questioned his carer, shuffling in.

"Hmm?" she replied, not looking up from the file she was writing in.

"Umm…"the boy began. "I'm going to Neku's this Christmas."

She looked up and smiled at him.

"That's great Josh." the she looked a little more cautious. "One of your tin pin group, isn't he? Are you sure his parents are OK with that?"

Joshua nodded "He called them to ask." he said matter-of-factly.

"Alright. Well if you give me his number, I'll call and double check."

"K." Joshua walked over to the phone pad and took out his mobile.

"Oh." he remembered, and continued in his sweetest tone. "Um… there was one more thing…"

Sam recognised his tone and turned, grinning. "I knew it. What are you after this time, kiddo?"

"Such _cynicism _Sam." Joshua tutted, imitating being offended. He scratched the back of his neck. "I… want to request an advance on my allowance…" he bit his lip. "Please?"

Sam gave him a slightly suspicious look, getting up and walking over to the counter opposite him. "I thought you had some saved? You've never asked for an advance before…"

"Well… I do… it's just… Christmas presents…" he trailed off, trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal. "I mean, there's yours, and then-"

Sam laughed, interrupting him. "You don't need to worry about me, Josh." she ruffled his hair, and then stared at him in realisation. "Hang on… you've never bought me a Christmas present before."

"Well… I thought… that I should. I mean… I know how long you've had to put up with me… seeing as no one ever adopted me." he continued quickly to stop her interrupting him with reassurances about this fact. "And… anyway, I've already bought it, and as well as you, there's all the Spirits, and a few of my colleagues at Pinhead Weekly. Oh, and I'd like to get something for a couple of the kids here too, just small things, then there's Neku's parents… and I want to get something special for Neku too…"

Sam looked at him thoughtfully,

"Because… it was really nice of him to invite me." he added hastily.

"You must care rather a lot about him…" she mused, going back to the table again and sitting.

"Well…" Joshua said, his tone returning to it's usual arrogant nonchalance. "I suppose I consider him somewhat to be a best friend, yes."

"Mmm." she replied, smirking a little.

"What?" he questioned

"Sit down my dear."

Josh rolled his eyes but complied.

"I knew there was someone…" she began, smiling. "I've known you long enough Joshy." she gave him a rather maternal smile. "I know the way you act can be quite different to how you feel/ But I've noticed a change in you since that one particular tin pin tournament. You're more considerate. All this Christmas present talk, for example. She laid a hand over his. "And I know how hard this season is for you."

Joshua swallowed and spoke sharply. "What's your point."

"You kept talking about Blue… it was only yesterday I was made aware of his real name." she looked him square in the eyes. "It's him, isn't it." she gave him a very meaningful look.

Joshua crossed his arms. "I think it's painfully obvious what you're implying, Sam." he sighed. "Neku is a guy." the last part was said in an obligatory way, as if it was merely something he was supposed to mention, no indignance in his tone. He was pretty sure she knew.

"And you're you." she said. Joshua turned back to her, unsure whether he should be insulted at the statement, or just accept Sam's knowledge of him for what it was. She was never quite like a parent to him. She had only been eighteen when he arrived at the house, so she was more akin to an older sister. And she knew. She always knew him, even if he never let her believe that she was right. She'd have been blind not to have noticed. Especially after catching him looking at gay porn when he was twelve.

He chuckled. "Alright, fair point." he smiled sitting again. "But don't rub it in." he added, looking down at his hands when he remembered what they were discussing.

It was her turn to question the intention of his words now. "Whatever do you mean dear?"

"It doesn't matter what I feel." he said it with a tedious inevitability. He had never admitted these things to another soul before. "It's all one-sided."

Her tone was now more tentative, placing her hand on his once more. "You sure?"

"No." he admitted. "I just… ugh…" he put his head down on the table in frustration. Sam squeezed his hand a little tighter, and he continued, speaking half-into the table. "You know when you care so much about someone, and you start to think that's impossible that they don't feel anything back. And every little time they argue with you, you think it's because they're hiding. And when they're nice, you start thinking 'Oh! They feel the same!'… and you take everything they do to mean something that it might or might not, just to prove the optimistic part of your mind right, to reinforce beliefs you have no proof of…" he looked up at Sam, and she nodded. He sat up straight again. "He broke up with his girlfriend." he looked at her, hoping her response might draw meaning from the words. "And he won't tell me why." He waited.

Sam shifted slightly. "That… might… mean something Josh… but you can't count on it, okay?"

"Yeah." he nodded, a little dejected that she'd just confirmed what he already knew.

"It hurts." he said flatly.

Sam stood from her seat and bent down behind him, wrapping her arms around the teen. "You never get a chance to judge these things." she said sadly. "But if you ask him how he feels… even… even if it's a no… then maybe you can move on?" she said, as if questioning whether he agreed.

Joshua nodded. "I know." he sighed, secretly thinking he could never do it. "I'll think about it." he smiled a little. "Thanks sis." he added without thinking.

Sam looked at him, then smiled and ruffled his hair again, rather roughly this time. "You call me that in front of the other kids and I'll kill you." she hugged him tighter. "But no problem." she reached into her pocket and turned it out, pulling out 4,000 yen in notes and a few coins.

"That do you hun?"

He looked up at her. "You sure?" he asked. "I was only going to ask for a couple of thousand."

Sam smirked "You want it or not?"

"… yeah… Yes please…" he replied.

"Go on then."

"Thanks a lot, Sam." he checked his watch. "Think I'll go now."

"K." she replied. "I'll make cookies for when you get back.

Joshua smiled. "I'm not a little kid, Sam."

"Course not." she smiled. "If you were a kid I'd buy you some sweets. Cookies are for grownups." she gave him a wink.

Joshua couldn't help but smile. "Thanks again." he said, leaving.

"You go get him, bro." Sam said under her breath as the door closed.


	8. Analysis

Joshua had never been a morning person, no matter the occasion. But since the death of his parents, one particular day had shown up this trait more than any other, and that was Christmas Day. There had been days when not even Sam's excellently cooked Christmas dinner could coax him from his horizontal state of depression. It wasn't exactly that he remembered the events and reacted with according sadness. No, it was more like something ran in his veins, something which took him over on this particular day and refused to let go. But today was ever so slightly different.

Contrary to popular belief, love doesn't conquer all. It doesn't change one's demeanour on everything, or cure the past. Joshua's love for Neku didn't wake him up all bright-eyed when Christmas morning came around. But it did make him really, really want to leave his bed as soon as possible. It made him want to fight the depression or panic or whatever was buried inside of him. Ashe lay there, a text pinged into his inbox.

"K." it read, in response to some unremembered comment he'd made the night before. "Cya soon." Seeing the name 'Blue in his inbox always made his heart leap. Perhaps he was more easily amused than he liked to believe.

_I'm going to see Neku _he told his reluctant body _And I'm not going to let you stop me._

As immature as he considered such a thought, the silver-haired boy was able to drag his resistant form out from between the sheets and throw himself into the shower.

Sam was astounded when he appeared in the kitchen while she was preparing breakfast. "Josh?" she asked incredulously.

Joshua took a slice of toast from the plate she was holding, smirked and sauntered to the table, still feeling slightly bleak but deciding to ignore it , as was his usual want.

"Spare me the obvious comments "he said between bites. "Lets just be glad, hmm?"

Sam nodded, still looking slightly surprised to see him. "Want anymore?" she asked as he finished the toast.

"N'thanks" he mumbled through the last mouthful. "Happy Christmas, Sam." he added, going to get ready to leave while she returned the greeting.

In the week or so since Joshua had confided in Neku, they'd got a little closer. Neku was still awkward, Joshua still teased, but it was as if a mutual understanding that had always been between them only semi-consciously had been reconfirmed. There was true friendship there, no matter how they acted, and these two somewhat socially abnormal individuals had points of corroboration in-this ways of thinking which went below the surface of their more shallow similarities such as tin pin obsession and musical tastes.

Joshua had thought a lot about Sam's advice, too. _"…If you ask him how he feels… even if it's a no… then maybe you can move on?"_ She was right, on many levels. It wasn't like he didn't bother, like he had become apathetic towards the idea. He had thought about how he would say it again and again, and yet somehow… he couldn't ever do it. No matter how right it was from a logical point of view, for his own feelings to receive closure, the doubts rang out. Rejection would hurt him, but more important, or a least, more concerning to Joshua, was the impact it could potentially have on their friendship if Neku didn't feel the same. The other boy might think that was all he saw in him, or get entirely creeped out by the idea, and decide they shouldn't hang out. Even if he didn't say that directly, a gulf would be created between them, they might gradually stop hanging out. However he did it, there would be awkwardness.

Sexuality had never come up as a topic in discussions. Was Neku even aware that Joshua was gay? It wasn't particularly ambiguous, in Josh's opinion. Of course, these days it was less clear, there were camp straight guys everywhere. But, Josh rationed, feeling even worse at the thought, if people from his various schools whom he never spoke a word to had been sure enough to pretty much torture him for it on a daily basis, it was illogical that his best friend wouldn't see. So he reasoned that Neku was either too embarrassed to mention it, or didn't really care about it, or worst of all, really didn't want it to be true, so refused to think it of his best friend.

Josh was always meaning to bring the conversation around to it, but somehow he had the intention when he thought about it on his own, but when he was right there with Neku it just sort of… slipped his mind. A lot of things did, actually, when the redhead was around. He couldn't even psychoanalyse the boy to assess his feelings, like he could with most people, he was just too distracted. He was always focused on Neku himself, what they were saying, what they were doing. What he WANTED to be doing. He didn't have to think about things, or change the way he presented himself, or cleverly assess his own responses for the optimum result, he could be genuine and happy. Which was what made their interactions so very perfect… but at the same time, it left him in this impossible situation. Wow. Love really was a mindfuck at times. Turned the brain to mush. Logical thinking? Out the window! Informed intuition? Gone! Guarded responses? Sayonara!

Anyway, nothing could seemingly be done right now. He was still too unsure of how Neku felt to make a move. That was one of the things that had first let him know that this was love. He'd rather never have his feeling returned than admit them and lose possibly the best friend he'd ever have.

He sighed, feeling all the more lost. There was no real security when it came to emotions. He went down and said merry Christmas and goodbye to everyone at the home, and left.


	9. Purpose

He could've easily asked for a lift to Neku's house, but he'd rather walk today. The air was cool as he left. He swung his scarf around his neck and face several times to keep warm. It had snowed a for a few days previously, but not today, so the ground was a treacherous path of uneven ice. He had to adopt an unusual walking pattern, a slight annoyance for one who always attempted to move with the utmost grace. He sometimes felt quirks like that were all he had going for him. He never really knew what was special or important about the tiny insignificant speck of carbon that was himself. Sure, arguably all people were such, but that didn't change that most had incredible potential, and many of them used it, too. What was Yoshiya Kiryu's potential? His talent, if one didn't count his high level of intelligence, was writing. He very much enjoyed writing his column in Pinhead Weekly, and apparently so did a certain someone else. Hee hee.

But was it practical in terms of a career? He sighed. He was sixteen, he shouldn't have to deal with this yet, but he tended to think about these things. He thought a lot of things, actually, and it was a shame he couldn't write them all down. In fact, it was also a shame that those words which he did write couldn't reach out to more people. There was a limit to what he could do online, and in cheap magazine columns. Still, at least he made a little money off the latter.

He wanted to write philosophy books. It was one area where his knowledge seemed to excel. People either discussed with him excitedly or stared at him, confused, when he talked deeply. He'd mentioned this ambition to Neku, possibly the first time he'd done so with someone his own age, which gave him a slightly more optimistic result than when he'd mentioned it to adults. Having said that, it was also far, far more optimistic than the redhead's reaction to most conversations, his hands moving animatedly as he spoke. Even more so, that is, than when tin pin was mentioned. _"You need to follow your dreams!" _he'd said, his excited face just too cute for Josh to point out how overused such a phrase was. Apparently Neku wanted to be an artist, inspired by CAT of course, and had decided that no-one would ever stand in his way. So he thought Josh should be the same. Maybe he was right.

He thought, too, of the events of the day he'd met the spirits. Down in the dark sewers of Shibuya (unfortunately for Josh, accompanied by Beat and Shiki) they had met with… someone… who claimed to be himself from an alternate dimension. He'd always been fascinated by the choice-dimension theory, or the theory of other worlds in general, and this seemed to be at work here. On that day, he'd just smiled calmly, but in his head he was infinitely curious. All that theorising… and it seemed it could actually be true. He would never be able to prove it. But that was the wonder of philosophy. One could write whole books on a theory without having to say that it was their own belief, let alone attempting to prove it. One just had to prove the possibility of it, not the certainty.

They'd left that place in pursuit of completing their intended (though in Joshua's opinion, far more mundane) goal, but he couldn't stop wondering about the self in the sewer. The one from the not-so-harmonious Shibuya, who could be dead by now… or who could be ruling the world. The one who didn't fully explain his position, but nonetheless possessed the power to jump between parallel worlds. Why was someone who was unignorably a version of himself in possession of supernatural powers whilst he was an orphan with admittedly few friends, an unrequited love and an unstable plan for the future? It wasn't fair at all. But… that was life, he supposed. You just had to make the most of what you had. The way one controlled events and minds was with more human powers like psychology and charisma, and Joshua had gotten pretty damn good at it. With the one notable exception.

He wanted to be somebody. He wanted to mean something. The slight gloom of the day washed over him once more. He tried to reject it. He WAS somebody. And he WOULD mean something, one day. He was nearly at Neku's now. This was the best time to attempt to repress whatever he felt.

_I'm healthy and happy_ he told himself. _The past… is gone now… and I don't need Neku's love._ This mantra never actually worked, no matter how hard he tried to enrol himself into the school of positive thinking. But a purer thought hit him as he turned the corner. Not a useless phrase to get him through, but an absolute truth. _I get to spend today with him. The whole day. Starting in… about thirty seconds time… _A small but genuine smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he trudged the last part of the path to the front door, and rung the doorbell.

Someone answered the door. That someone being a certain familiar orange haired, slight-emo-tendencies-possessing kid he knew and loved, with a completely uncharacteristic smile plastered to his face, his cheeks glowing.

"JOSH!" he yelled "Merry Christmas!"

"Who are you…?" Joshua joked as his best friend pulled him into a hug. "And what have you done with Neku?"


	10. Reversal

Joshua followed the redhead into the house. He was introduced to Neku's paternal grandmother for the first time, and stood in the dining room while Neku got them drinks, still running around like a hyperactive 3-year old. Joshua couldn't help but stare a little, then turned to Neku's mother.

"What'd he have?" he giggled "Alcohol or caffeine?"

Mrs. Sakuraba brought a hand to her mouth and laughed too.

"He had a little of the mulled wine. But he always gets like this on Christmas."

"…wow." was all Joshua could come out with, as both watched Neku decorating the drinks with cream and holly leaves in the manner of an expert flower arranger on amphetamines.

He felt their eyes on him, and turned like a startled rabbit. "What?" he questioned innocently, sending both his mother and friend into fits of giggles again.

"Whatever." Neku said, his tone a little returned to his normal sulky one, but he was still smiling as he passed Joshua one of the drinks.

"Let's go watch TV until lunch." he suggested, and practically skipped past, leading the way into the main front room.

Neku's house was double-fronted, so one of the front rooms was the living room, the other the dining room, but also had a TV, so doubled as another. Joshua often wondered how rich Neku's family was.

Neku flipped on the TV, turning it to his favourite music channel, only to find it dominated by a cheesy Christmas song countdown. He shrugged at this and seated himself on the sofa, Joshua followed his lead.

They were a little at odds for what to say as they watched the cheesy videos on the screen. Thus was unusual, they rarely ran out of things to talk about. Perhaps it was the strange switch in personalities brought on by this day. The grumpy and apathetic Neku had been replaced unexplainably with a lively, excited one, whereas Joshua's flirting and humorous outlook had been somewhat drained by the occasion. Joshua found it difficult to start a conversation by saying something amusing, so he came out with a neutral statement.

"Your gran seems nice." he ventured.

Neku actually looked a little uncomfortable, and shot a glance towards the other room, perhaps assessing if the TV would adequately block out the conversation from those across the hallway.

"I guess." he said in a low tone, shrugging.

Joshua dropped the volume of his voice too. "You don't like her?"

Neku shrugged again. "She's nice to me, but she sometimes says things…" he sighed.

"She can be a little… you know… racist and… homophobic and all that shit. I mean, I know she can't help it, generation gap and all that but… you know."

Joshua nodded. "Sorry." he said reservedly. That sentence was an opportunity to make clear what might not be. The one that just hadn't come up yet.

"She… didn't seem to mind me." he said quietly. The remark was ambiguous as ever, and could've been referring to his heritage being not fully Japanese, but was more than likely to make it obvious what he meant.

Neku didn't respond for a second. "She probably can't tell." he finally came out with.

IWell…/I thought Joshua, I…He definitely knows now…/I "Could you?" he responded, not quite looking the other boy in the eye.

Neku paused again, fixing his eyes on the screen. "I… thought…" he stopped and took a large gulp of his drink. "I didn't really want to…"

"Mention it?" Joshua suggested.

Neku nodded, and looked over, appearing to be smiling a little. Joshua felt the half-familiar sensation of nervousness rise in his chest. It was much like school plays and shows he'd participated in- for reasons unknown, Josh only ever got nervous after the anticipated event had passes. Perhaps that was because the reception of the performance, the reaction of your audience, was the part to be worried about. Kids can be so cruel- but so can love.

He preoccupied himself with staring at the tree and the ornaments glittering upon it. Silver and purple- the family had considerable taste. Neku appeared to have also made his exit from the conversation, his eyes glued to the screen again, taking another sip of the ridiculously Christmassy-looking cocktail.

"Tin pin?" the redhead suggested offhandedly.

"Uh… mayb-… I'm not sure…" Joshua mused, not keen on the idea for one reason or another. Neku's adorable mock pout probably would have swayed him, had the other boy not chosen to take out his hyperactive energy by getting up and disappearing off into the kitchen with a cheery "B.r.b."

_He actually said it out loud… J_oshua chuckled internally. But despite the light humour, he couldn't help but hope Neku returned soon. Being alone in anyone's house, no matter how close, often gave him a slightly creeped-out feeling of not belonging. Or perhaps it was the departure of company on his most fragile day that shook him. He contemplated following, then took another sip of his drink. The alcohol was at a bare minimum, far-flunk from the clear bottles sneaked in brown paper bags which he'd experienced when there were still older boys than himself at the children's home. Just fourteen, it hadn't taken much to intoxicate him, and they'd laughed at him in their mock sophistication, and still he'd considered them 'cooler' than himself. Now there was a level of pity for how pathetic they'd been, realised after their inevitable departure at eighteen.

Weird the slightly uneasy memories a sip of something so sweet could surface. He considered standing again, but footsteps neared the door and his friend was back.

"Satsuma!" Neku yelled, giving Josh mere seconds to react to the orange ball hurtling towards him. He caught it, but did so clumsily enough to amuse the thrower. The other boy's giggle was a beautiful sound, and Joshua couldn't help but giggle too as he looked down at the small orange fruit in his hand.

"Just… why, dear?

Neku shrugged, and wandered over to also drop some chocolate coins into Joshua's lap. "Om nom nom." he said jokily, sitting down beside Josh again.

The silver-haired teen looked to the orange-haired one, who was ripping open his own bag of coins.

"Got double in my stocking." he explained "So they're for you."

"That's… thoughtful of you." Joshua smiled, turning the gifts over and smiling.

"Or of Santa?" Neku suggested.

"…You don't… I mean… surely…" Joshua trailed off, incredulous.

Neku smirked at his friend's shock. "Nope." he laughed. "I told my parents when I was about eight that I didn't believe in father Christmas anymore, but it didn't stop them."

"That's sweet." Joshua smiled. "Probably because you're so cute on Christmas."

He thought he saw Neku visibly swallow, but it was in a blink and hard to determine. He gave an indignant look and mumbled "Shut up." but his face was a little more pink than it had been previously.

_If you have to deal with Christmas…_ Joshua considered, _Might as well spend it with the most unintentionally adorable person you know..._


	11. Celebration

_**I know, I know, it's been forever and I'm a terrible person and a terrible-er writer. **__**You know how much I love you all for your favourites and alerts and updates though, right? **_I promise to update more. If it takes any more than two weeks for an update from now on one of you must come kidnap me and tie me down until I get it done. Think I should get a beta reader, btw? I only make a few mistakes per part as far as I can see, but still. More soon my dears x

* * *

The enthusiasm on Neku's face was catching as Joshua watched him across the table. The boy seemed delighted by everything from the candles his mother had dotted around the table to 'winning' the cracker Josh pulled with him, and the sight was even more delicious than the food they were consuming. Although, Josh wondered if the younger boy's parents had noticed just how much alcohol he'd been consuming throughout the day. He wasn't incredibly drunk, per se, no slurred speech or dozy movements or anything particularly odd, but for someone as reserved and constantly irritated as Neku was normally, the giggles he let out and the permanent smile were enough to indicate that he was more than a little tipsy.

After dinner was apparently the designated gift giving time, which made Neku more delighted than ever as he handed things around the room, this apparently having always been his role as an only child. Through the giggles he returned to his usual self every now and again. When his parents were incredibly touched by Joshua's gift (handmade chocolates that Sam had helped him with since his first attempt ended with him nearly burning himself removing a bowl of burnt chocolate from the microwave.) and asked Neku why he never made them anything, and he elbowed Josh in the ribs, but only in a jokey way.

Joshua felt incredibly grateful for the philosophy books that Neku's family had bought him, presumably on the redhead's recommendation. Neku himself gave him a particularly beautiful fountain pen, and vaguely mumbled something about dreams as he watched Joshua unwrap it, leaving Joshua to be the one to giggle this time as he embraced his friend tightly. He hoped he wasn't taking too much advantage of that, the two of them having hugged probably more times in this one day than in the total time they'd known each other. Neku had started it, such was his season-related nature, and Joshua had appreciated the deviation from the norm.

It wasn't that hugs between them were unacceptable or never happened, but they had always been awkward, and Joshua had assumed this was just Neku's way. But happiness and slight intoxication seemed to relax him entirely, and the action became suddenly the epitome of comfortable. Joshua had probably started clinging onto the other boy a little too long by this point in the afternoon, but neither Neku himself or his family seemed to notice to the extent of showing any negative reaction.

Neku's presents from his family were the occasional cool gadgets and a large hoard of art supplies. Joshua smiled at this, knowing that he'd sufficiently predicted that to make sure his present to Neku would be different. He had left the gift in Neku's bedroom, and Neku said he could just give it to him after everything else was done, but they ended up forgetting through most of the afternoon, distracted by TV and talking and sweets. Alongside the eventfulness, Joshua also ended up forgetting most of the sadness of this day in a way he hadn't ever done before.

It was only after they'd consumed some of the leftover dinner as an evening snack, and Neku suggested tin pin, that it hit Joshua that they'd been having so much fun that he'd managed to forget about the present as well. Neku's eyes lit up at the possibility of yet another new thing and bounded up the stairs with Josh following, all the while finding it impossible not to keep a stupid happy grin across his face.

Once Neku entered his room, his actions were amusing, scrabbling onto his bed, watching Joshua wide-eyed.

"Honestly, you're like a puppy." Joshua smirked.

"Shhhhhhh." Neku pouted

"Sorry, a drunk puppy."

"... only a slightly drunk puppy."

"Drunk enough not to mind being called a puppy..." He paused, unable to resist adding in "Not that I've ever seen that hair colour in nature before." He laughed, dodging the pillow that was thrown at him and picking up the small, haphazardly wrapped box that held his friends present. "Here."

Neku gave the silver wrapping a small stroke, and Joshua settled beside him on the bed, wishing he would open it already merely so the redhead wouldn't comment on his poor gift wrapping skills. Eventually he did give in, still opening it ever-so-carefully. When he got to the box inside he looked like he might explode from anticipation, but he remained careful as he removed the lid. When he saw the small object inside, a look of sheer appreciation and joy spread like a wave over his features.

"...J... Joshua..."


	12. Gift

There it lay, still, thankfully, carefully centred on the tissue paper in Neku's favourite shade of violet, silver chain trailing behind it, as was only befitting a bespoke piece far too precious to affix to clothing like the regular ones. The design was a collaboration of Joshua and CAT, the knowledge of a best friend's tastes and artistic talent combining dark blue letters of Neku's first name were an entirely new font, the smooth curves and jagged edges representing the irritable optimist himself more than one would think lettering could ever reflect a person. The small crystals dotted around it were just enough to add beauty and intrigue without looking tacky.

It wasn't just a piece to look at either. Ken Doi had contributed to the mechanics to match Joshua's specification, which in itself had come from careful observation of Neku's strategy and preferences. Plenty of all the whammies, but with the most focus on Dive Bomber. Low spin, high weight (Neku was always willing to take a risk to defeat an opponent more quickly)and generally durable. A little chart inside the box marked out all the stats.

A tin pin, perfectly designed for Neku.

One might question whether such a thing would be appreciated or was worth going to all the trouble for, but Joshua knew that as focused as Neku was on his serious future ambitions, right here and right now, tin pin was his life, and what more could he do for the one person he loved than contribute to the one thing that person loved?

"Josh..." Neku repeated. Joshua stopped looking at the pin dead-on. "No-ones ever..." Joshua was surprised to hear how unusually choked up the redhead's voice was as he stared at the pin, scooping it up from his box, touching it like it was ever so precious and he was scared to harm it, placing it back down again. Tears were forming in his eyes, and Joshua felt his heart strings pulled a little. He hadn't meant to make his best friend cry, and yet on another level he was filled with warmth that the gift meant that much to him. Neku was apparently surprised too, holding a finger to just under one eye, yet powerless to stop the liquid dripping from it.

"Neku?" Joshua asked, almost concernedly.

Neku remained calm just for a few seconds, closing the box and putting it carefully onto the shelf above his bed with a curious purposefulness. Then he came close to Joshua, reached out his arms and clung closer than ever to him, his head against the other's shoulder. Josh returned the hug, his arms wrapping around the boy protectively, one reaching up and gently touching the tips of his hair.

"You like it right?" Joshua ventured, which only made Neku cry harder.

"I- it's beautiful- J- Josh... you... no one else would've..."

"Hey now... shh..." Joshua comforted, his words sounding odd, unaccustomed as he was to consoling people most of the time.

"Thank you. Th-thank you... I always thought other people didn't... didn't c-care... so..." the orange haired boy ventured disjointedly. "People always s-say they... care... but they don't really know... I've never... f-felt this touched before... you... you knew what I would want... you..."

"Course I did." Joshua smiled.

"It's perfect. It's- I love you so much Josh, you're my best f-friend..."

Joshua could feel his heart beating furiously, and hoped Neku wouldn't. The words he'd long to hear, if it wasn't for the ones that followed them and changed the meaning entirely. He couldn't even echo them, for the fact that they'd mean something so different to the way Neku put them forth, something so much less pure.

"Same." He held onto Neku as the sobs subsided, ending with a final sniff.

"I'm dizzy."

Josh gave him a concerned look. "I think you should lay down."

Neku nodded and let Joshua help him lay down on the bed.

"Josh?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm... drunk."

Despite the slightly sad tone, Joshua couldn't help but find this incredibly obvious statement still just a little funny. "Yes Nekky, I think you are." He looked at Neku's glazed expression. "Should... I get your parents?" he moved a little, thinking Neku might be feeling worried and need them by his side, but as he turned, Neku grabbed hold of his wrist.

"Neh." He mumbled. "I'm not too... just... stay here." Joshua could see him blushing again as he said it, but his tone was nonetheless genuine and sober enough to be obeyed. Joshua nodded and lay down opposite Neku, keeping himself at a safe distance. Neku was looking at him.

"Thank you." he said again, this time whether he was still referring to the gift, or to Josh's staying by his side, a mystery, but not one that needed an answer. He glanced up at the shelf "Could you... get it back down for me?"

Joshua picked it up and handed it to him, Neku opening the box and smiling again but without any more tears this time. Unable to resist the urge to be affectionate, Joshua got up a little from his horizontal position, leaning over and pulling the chain out to hang the pin around the boys neck. Neku went redder as he did it, probably from the fact that he'd been too precious about the item to do it himself... unless it could be simply from the fingers brushing against his neck ever so gently? Neku looked down at the pin lying against his chest, then closed his eyes happily.

"Thanks." He said again, making it clear as shut tight as his lids were, he was fully awake, and simply still basking in the moment. "Josh?"

At that moment, as Neku breathed his name irresistibly, Joshua felt entirely unable to speak or even move, to surrender the uninhibited closeness as he remained leant over the relaxed Neku, watching the adorable glow on his cheeks, the ambiguous smile on his lips, the long lashes of his closed eyes. It was too much, the absolute love tingling through his heart, through his whole body... he couldn't take this anymore.

And after so many months of quiet, giggling, teasing, strength, in that moment of weakness, just for a split second...

He gave in.

* * *

**_Sorry if I half-kill you with that cliffhanger. Update coming 05/06/2011 or earlier. :)_**


	13. Weakness

The meeting of their lips was neither hard nor soft, but swift nonetheless; Joshua didn't even know what he was doing until he had managed to pull himself away. Neku's eyes were open again and he was being given a hard azure stare.

Silence lingered awkwardly

"I'm sorry." He said, wondering how the hell he was going to explain this, still frozen just as he had been laying before the unfortunate lapse of judgement.

Neku remained silent, his stare still drilling into Joshua as a reminder of what he'd just done. He couldn't bear it, he couldn't meet the eyes directly, or he'd want to make the same mistake again. With Neku still not saying a thing, he hoped he could avoid the confrontation entirely.

"I... I'll go... and lay down..." he swallowed, about to head to his bed, already made up on the floor.

"Nnnmm!" a hand grabbed at him for the second time in the past few minutes, but this time it was his shirt to which Neku clung. Surprised, he caught the boy's eyes straight on and for the first time registered the expression that lay in them. It was subtle, but Josh could read subtle. It was one of longing. He just stared at him, taking it in, not saying anything. The turquoise eyes he had always longed to gaze into were pleading him to stay.

The blushing boy remained silent, and a tenseness that usually resided in his eyes was missing. As if his guard had been let down. He looked embarrassed as ever but his fingers still gripped enticingly at Joshua's shirt. He didn't let go, but turned his face away just a little. Slowly, experimentally, Josh leaned further over the other boy to bring his face closer, observing. Neku still made no proper reaction, but the expression on his face said it all. Joshua leant down so that their lips brushed gently again. No negative reaction. Neku wasn't pushing him away.

Then... what? He actually wanted this? He wasn't resisting Joshua's touch, nor was he seemingly seeking it, apart from the longing look in his eyes. When Joshua came closer, he closed them in anticipation, but when no contact was made, blinked them open again, seemingly surprised at his expectations not having been met. That was enough of a signal.

This time Joshua applied more pressure and didn't draw back, and it took him a second to realise that there was pressure battling with his- Neku was opening his mouth to accept, kissing back, and hard. In all the times he'd imagined doing this, the imaginary Neku was never this accepting... in the back of his mind he wondered if it could be a dream- but even were that the case, he was going to hold onto the sensation until he awoke. At the same time, Neku couldn't feel more real right now, his lips moving fast, almost ferociously as one hand kept Josh gripped close above him. This was actually happening.

Neku was the first to snake his tongue out to touch the other boy's, whether he himself realised it or not, the heat of his breath running into Joshua's mouth around it. After he'd done so the kiss broke for just a second as shyness seemingly got the better of them, but having come too far, having finally had his affections returned, Joshua was incapable of taking the signs of anything but his own desire. Neku, blushing, brought his arm around Joshua's neck as his free wrist was pinned to the bed, and their lips were pulled almost magnetically back together.

Joshua let his body lower so that he was closer to Neku, his body right on top of him, their legs intertwining haphazardly but the kiss continuing. Joshua was sure he could near Neku's rapidly beating heart as well as his own, as the redhead moaned through the kiss at the close contact. He took the opportunity to explore the other boy's body, his hand in the curve of his waist and skimming down to his hip bone, which elicited a twitch from the boy beneath him. Only at this point did he realise that Neku's arousal was pressing into his own, leaving the other's response to this situation in no doubt whatsoever.

He rubbed up against the other boy to create even more deliberate friction between them, eliciting delicious moans from Neku into his mouth, which made him also let out a muffled sigh, their reactions dragging each other up into unbearable pleasure. His hand still played on Neku's hip, still unsure of touching him any more explicitly. He broke the kiss however to press his lips to the sensitive spot on the boy's neck. He had engaged in playful tickling with him enough to know exactly where his weak spots are. Neku's mouth freed, the sound from his lips escaped, quiet enough to stay within the room, loud enough to ring out beautifully in Joshua's ears.

Taking the plunge, he allowed his hand to hover to the bulge in Neku's jeans and touch, listening to the gasps brought on by his action. The idea of pleasuring the boy was too much to resist, so, staying outside of the clothing, he rubbed a little more, using sound as a clue to where was best. The movements were slow, sensual, but nonetheless, each moan became more encouraging as he continued. His face still aligned with Neku's, each breath tickled his lips and he had to bring them together again as he touched, Neku's reactions still sending him spinning. He had stopped thinking anymore, everything blurring into feeling natural.

Only all of a second something snapped. One second Neku was loudly sighing out his honest responses, the next he had stopped mid-moan, clearly not brought to orgasm yet but something having hit him, suddenly biting his lip, the gap between them widening. The azure eyes had lost their dreamy, innocent spell and were back to normal, the guard in them reinstated. Surprised, Joshua let go of the other boy's wrist and now full force was pushing him upward and away from the warm embrace. NOW he was pushing him away? Was he trying to kill him?

"N... Neku?"

The boy still held his arms upward to keep him away, and disheartened, he shifted himself so he was sitting beside him instead.

"Neku what's..."

"Josh, I-" Neku sounded like he might cry again, then his usual voice, now sounding strained and more than a little force. "Don't... don't do that ever again."

"But... you... you were..."

Neku caught him in the eye. "If you want us to still be friends, you won't talk about it."

Joshua felt completely bewildered. What had just happened? Why the change? It wasn't like the Christmas spirit or the alcohol had suddenly up and left Neku, but some sort of defensive wall had been rebuilt in a matter of seconds.

"I'm tired." Said Neku flatly. "You should sleep too." His eyes flickered to the mattress on the floor to make it clear there was no chance of Josh sharing his own bed. He didn't look tired, not one bit.

"O... ok..." Joshua said quietly, and obediently went to lie down on his makeshift bed, more confused than he had ever been about Neku's feelings.

Despite whatever it was that had just happened still invading his mind voraciously, Joshua couldn't summon the courage to touch himself in Neku's presence. Instead his eyes fixed on a point in Neku's room and stared in the darkness, unable to work out any of it in his head. When he eventually started drifting into sleep, hours after Neku had ordered him to, he concluded that his idea of a happier Christmas had been totally and utterly flipped. What should have been the start of something amazing... had apparently degraded into a smudge on the radar of Neku's life.

Perhaps in the long run that was all he'd ever be.


	14. Denial

However Joshua had expected to wake up on this particular boxing day, it was nothing like this. He was still half-awake when he heard the knock at the door, but soft footsteps went to it, so he left his eyes closed, still listening. Would Neku be hungover this morning? Then he thought more of who was actually at the bedroom door and more paranoid ideas invaded his mind. What if his parents had against all odds heard the soft noises that they'd made together last night and come to talk about the one thing that was guaranteed to make Neku ridiculously angry at everyone?

But it wasn't a parental voice that he heard in response to Neku's emotionless "Hey." but the soft tone of a teenage female.

"Neku!" he heard Shiki say enthusiastically. "Oh-" she stopped and lowered her tone to that of Neku's hushed one. "Is he still asleep?"

More curious than ever, he listened in on their hushed tones. Neku's response was undoubtedly a nod, because she continued.

"Ahh ok... Ohemgee, isn't Josh just the cutest when he's sleeping?"

"Wh- Whatever." Neku stuttered. "You got my text...?"

"Y... yeah..." Shiki said quietly, sounding more uncertain than Josh normally heard her. There was an awkward silence. "But Neku..." she gave a sigh. "Are you sure you want to get back together?"

Josh drew an intake of breath that he hoped was silent to the others, and opened his eyes ever-so slightly. Neither teen was looking in his direction, so he allowed them to open entirely and survey the situation. Neku and Shiki stood face-to-face in the doorway, with a surprising amount of physical distance between them for people who were apparently reuniting. They were staring at each other, and Shiki was biting her nails slightly.

"But..." she said, not finishing her sentence. Neku intervened.

"I was the one that ended it." Joshua was hit again by surprise; he had been right all along."You were the one saying we should hang on a bit longer, right? I didn't mean to... well, maybe you were right..."

"I- I said that Neku but... I mean... you and me were..."

"Take it or leave it." He said flatly. Despite the hurtful nature of his words, his voice seemed to crack a little as he said them, the arrogance in his tone entirely false, at least to Joshua's ears. "I have other options. Might give Mina a call..."

Shiki sounded confused and more than a little hurt. "N... Neku..."

"Stop being such a dick!" Joshua spoke out, surprising the two of them as well as himself. They both turned to stare at him.

"Joshua...?" Shiki questioned, while Neku still said nothing, but Joshua could feel that the gaze the redhead shot him was not at all positive.

"Green." Joshua said curtly in form of greeting. "Morning."

"M-morning."

They both looked back to Neku, who hadn't verbally responded to Joshua having observed their conversation yet. He looked away from their gaze, so Joshua slowly removed the covers and stood, still fully clothed from the night before. He picked up a bag that held his change of clothes, and walked a little closer to the two teens.

"All of us are sick of this facade you put on to protect yourself Neku. Just do what you really feel for once. You're lucky she likes you so much. You like the girl, show some fucking devotion!" he could feel his voice snapping into a rant-like tone, but he couldn't help it. "She deserves better." He pushed past them towards Neku's en-suite. "I'm taking a shower."

"Joshua." He heard Neku say as he walked away, but after that display he wasn't going to turn around. He ignored him and closed the door.

As the water ran down his body he wondered where that sudden outburst had come from. But did Neku really think he could just speak to Shiki like that? As rarely accepting and irritable as he was regarding Joshua's friendship for him, he'd never outright spoken to him that poorly. Though perhaps taking yesterday night into account, he had treated him just as terribly.

He knew Neku wasn't meant to be this way. He knew because he loved him, and he hadn't fallen for a complete jerk, but for his best friend. Perhaps that one line of his had been a momentary lapse, but still, Joshua had been right to speak out about it. He could've told Shiki about he and Neku the day before, too, but he didn't. Because in truth he wanted him to be happy. If a relationship with Shiki was what he wanted, and what she wanted too, there was nothing Josh could do to turn the tables.

As he stepped out of the shower and dressed, he concluded that maybe he'd overreacted. It was only because of everything that had happened the night before, that his image of Neku had been a little poor. And maybe Neku himself had been shaken back to reality by his words. At least he hoped so. When he knocked on the door, Shiki came over to open it.

"Neku." Joshua said, looking over at the boy now sitting on the edge of the bed. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean... you just seemed a little..."

"No... I'm sorry." Neku interrupted. "You're right I... I don't know what I was saying, you both know that's not me. I'm sorry I'm such a dick sometimes. But I don't want you to hate me... Josh... you're my best friend, no matter what I say. You know that." He gave the other boy a slightly nervous smile, which was too irresistible for Josh to even think about still being mad at him. On the other hand, the very thought of him as irresistible brought back memories of the night before, and although on the outside he couldn't be mad, his chest burned with wanting to understand, and he was still not over his anger at the way Neku had drawn him in so close before pushing him away again and dismissing everything.

"A... about the two of you..." Joshua said questioningly.

Shiki looked shy, but went to sit beside Neku. She tried to exchange a glance with him but his eyes were looking down at his hands.

"We're... we might be... getting back together." she said quietly. "But you don't have to worry about me, Joshua. The two of us-" she glanced at Neku again "We're not going to hurt each other."

Joshua nodded, aware that she was missing one of the points here, but unwilling to bring up his attraction to Neku just to correct her equation. This relationship would be unlikely to harm them, and as much as jealousy burned Joshua's insides, both of them had a right to be happy. At the same time he wished she wasn't there merely so Neku could explain it all to him. Could he really feel nothing after reacting the way he did?

But their silence made it clear that they still had talking to do, and Joshua was in the way.

"Should I... leave...?" he ventured.

"Oh... well..." Shiki looked apologetic "You don't have to go now or anything..."

Neku said nothing, but it was clear that if Josh stayed he would continue this awkwardness of not meeting his gaze. So Joshua did the usual. He faked it.

"Well dears, I'm afraid I have to be getting off..." the tension hung in the air.

"I'll walk you down." Neku said flatly.

His family had already gone out somewhere, so the house felt quiet and still as they headed down the stairs.

"Josh... listen... um... about yesterday... like I said, if... we could just forget about... it's just I know you'd want an explanation but I just... I can't..."

"No problem." Joshua lied, interrupting him.

Neku appeared to sigh with relief. "Th-thank you." He looked down at the tin pin which still hung from his neck.

"And as... I said..." he stuttered embarrassedly, clutching the gift. "This does mean a lot to me... um..." he shook his head, not knowing what else to say as they opened the door. Coyly, he held his arms out tentatively.

Joshua accepted the hug, but with nowhere near as much enthusiasm as he normally would. He knew Neku could tell that he wasn't holding on as tightly as usual.

"J... Josh?"

As he let go, Joshua turned the lock to let himself out, stepping out onto the cold street.

"Bye for now, Neku." He said gently, still concealing his pain.

"B... bye..." the boy breathed as he watched his friend walk up the garden path.

As Joshua turned back, he thought he saw something flicker across Neku's eyes, but it was only for an instant, before he turned and closed the door behind him.

Still consumed by jealousy, Joshua walked away across the icy ground.


	15. Destruction

Joshua stared down at the book in his hand.

Nothing. Three days and not a single word from Neku. His texts were left without reply, the redhead was absent from all social networking sites, and when Joshua phoned him he seemed to downright ignore the call. He felt frustrated. Angry. Jealous. What the hell was he supposed to do now, short of just showing up on Neku's doorstep? And what if he did that, and Shiki was there?

Shiki. He bet Neku was spending his time with her now. When he'd left Neku's on that Boxing Day, as hurt as he was at the idea of her and Neku being together, Neku had made it clear that they were still friends, that was the shred of hope that hung in his life. He wasn't close enough to the other bloody 'Crayon Warriors' to even consider confiding in them alone. Neku was his link to sanity as well as his best friend in his own right.

He had no one to confide in, he couldn't straighten it out at all, he was going a little crazy. And all he could think about was Neku and Shiki, Neku and Shiki, NEKU AND SHIKI. The first time they went out, he had felt this awful jealousy, but that was when Neku had been frosty too him anyway, when he couldn't picture the boy being intimate with anyone.

But now... now he'd become close, really close, to the one he'd always longed for, and the fact was that Shiki's re-arrival had been simultaneous with Neku stopping communication with him. On top of that... he'd been so close to thinking something was going to happen between Neku and himself, but now the memory of their intimacy was replaced with the two of them. Kissing, touching... he couldn't bear to think of it, and yet he couldn't think of anything else.

The book that Neku had lent him still in his grasp, Joshua let out a yell of rage, chucking the tome across the room where it hit the wall. He then reached into the bookcase and pulled out his own books, each one bouncing off the dark blue surface. A large hardback cut through the paint leaving a pale green line. Another book hit against a poster, dislodging one of the corners. Seeing this, Joshua ran over to the other side of his small bedroom and pulled it down, moving around to start on the others. Those that were affixed more firmly ripped as he tugged at them. He didn't care. He just didn't care. He kicked all the rugs up as he went about destroying the memorabilia of his favourite films and bands.

He pulled items from the shelves too, things which at the back of his mind he didn't want to harm getting dropped onto the floor while more rigid ones were flung outwards with reckless abandon. Soon the only thing remaining on the walls was the pink post-it notes. This time he read each quote or song lyric or concept upon them. Each one was judged cruelly on its content, and how it made him feel at that moment. 'Trust no-one' could stay. 'One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.' had to go. 'Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.' could remain stuck there. 'Friendship is the only love where heartbreak isn't inevitable.' was tossed to the floor. Soon two thirds of the little neon pink squares were scattered across the floor, all of which had a slant on romance or friendship/

Love! Love! That word was everywhere and he was sick of looking it. Had he really grown up in being such a believer in it? Well, he still believed in its existence, but he knew now, it was for people other than himself. Defeated, Joshua sunk to his knees, slumping into the pile of rugs and posters and books and various other items, and began to sob a little. Only a few tears dripped from his eyes, but perhaps that was because he'd let out all the emotion he could on his possessions. He gazed around him at his own destruction.

He'd managed to ruin everything in his room. Well perhaps not ruin, but make sure everything was at least a little out of place. The place where he'd ruined everything was the rest of his life. The way he was kneeling left a hard lump digging into his hip. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and considering smashing that too. What was the point if no-one even contacted him?

Whether or not he would have followed this unstable train of thought, a serendipitous buzz from his phone distracted him. He flipped it open for the text in question to pop up. The sender label read 'Green'. Green? Why was Shiki texting him? If it was for some tin-pin meet up, he wasn't interested. Although... that would be a chance to see Neku... No, he wouldn't falter like that. If they were all forced together when Neku didn't want to see him, he was sure his behaviour would be impossible to bear. He clicked on the message tentatively.

'Hey, Josh, I need to talk to you. In person, asap. Shiki x' it read. Joshua stared at it. It wasn't exactly as he'd been expecting. It sounded like it could actually be important. He gazed around at his destroyed bedroom.

'Sorry Shiki.' He typed in, his own dishonesty barely registering. 'Busy.' He pressed send and closed it up again.

Sighing, he got up and went to sit at his desk, placing his phone on the table, but no sooner had he done so, it vibrated again.

'Please.' The text read this time 'Please, Josh. It's about Neku. x'

Shiki rarely spoke to him this seriously. She really meant it. But what was it she meant? Well, it didn't matter. She had said the one name guaranteed to make Joshua as concerned as she was. His fingers flew frantically over the keypad.

'What? Is Neku ok?' This time after he sent it he stared at the phone, waiting for the response.

'He's not in any danger or anything... it just feels like he's just been acting strangely and I know you're the only one who gets him. It's for Neku's sake. Please just hear me out x'

Joshua looked at the text, and nodded. It was time to go back to putting his selfish anxieties aside. The room could wait 'til later.

'Wildkat.' He typed in. '15 minutes.'


	16. Communication

"Th-thanks for this Josh." Shiki said quietly as she stirred sugar into her coffee. "Were you really busy?"

"N... not as busy as I pretended to be..." Joshua admitted.

Shiki smiled ever so slightly, more amused than disappointed at this, and presumably grateful that he'd complied to her request soon afterward.

"So what's up with Neku?" he said pointedly, his inner worry urging the main topic of conversation forward. He ventured a guess. "He's not... being... well, mean to you again, is he?"

Shiki looked surprised, having apparently forgotten Neku's uncouth comments on Boxing Day. "Oh..." she said softly. "No, not that. It's... it's more subtle than that. It's just... have you noticed the past few days that he seems a little... different?"

Joshua swallowed. "I... I haven't spoken to him since I left that boxing day. Or... he hasn't spoken to me, rather."

Still surprised, Shiki brought her hand to her lips in thought. "Oh... sorry I... it's just, he kept talking about you so I assumed you had been in contact." Perhaps not wanting to pry further, or simply anxious to let out her worries, she continued swiftly. "If he hasn't spoken to you then you won't have noticed... I can't help but wonder... did something happen to Neku on Christmas, Josh?"

Josh swallowed. "Not... much... that I can think of..." he lied. "... why?"

It's just... Neku..." she slumped a little, resting her chin on her hand. "Between you and me Joshua... I didn't think he and I... should get back together. I'd sort of... gotten over him after the way he acted during our relationship. But he was saying all this stuff about how he needed me and... I guess I felt pity. That was wrong."

Joshua's chest ached at the idea that the girl in front of him had all he wanted in the palm of her hand, and could feel nothing but pity in response. It was saddening, sickening, and filled him with envy again. "Ah..." he said, trying to speak in his usual, snarky tone. "I didn't realise that."

"Y... yes... I... I don't want you to think I'm terrible. I really liked Neku, from when we first met. But I didn't expect anything. In fact I even thought you and he might-" she cut herself off, blushing a deep scarlet, and Joshua, though not reacting, chuckled internally, remembering Shiki's response to he and Neku almost going into the sewer alone. Her cheeks still rather pink, she continued. "But I asked him about going out and he said yes... I was so happy... only..." her eyes glazed with grey memories. "It wasn't everything I thought it would be."

She scratched at her neck, and apparently at a loss to explain, took a thoughtful sip of her coffee. Joshua also raised his cup to his lips, then placed it down again, thoughtfully. "In what way?" he said gently, not wanting to prod too hard at any uncomfortable memories, but aware nonetheless that this had been Shiki's idea in the first place.

Shiki looked highly uncomfortable, but spoke anyway.

"Little things like..." she sighed. "He'd hold hands or flirt with me... sometimes we even kissed. When we were in the park, or on the street, or with the tin pin gang. I think you were there a few times."

He indeed had been. He cringed remembering his observation of the early stages of the pair's relationship.

"Only... it was only ever then. If we went to his house he'd... only ever want to play tin pin or video games... he didn't want to... to DO anything. And he never...he never said anything about needing me or wanting me. He went through the motions, he went with the idea with us going out... but he never seemed to care about me. Half the time he seemed annoyed when I tried to talk seriously to him. I was going to end it myself... but then he changed his mind too, I guess."

Joshua was sensing something in her words. Not in her tone, but the picture she was building of Neku. He was, subconsciously, noticing something. Something he didn't understand. It bugged him that he couldn't see it clearly. He was snapped out of it by Shiki's continuing explanation.

"I thought this time it'd be different but... it's worse than ever... he's become... even more cold... more distant. He barely even talks to me. He focuses on something like reorganising his tin pins or sketching the view from his window. He engulfs himself in his work and ignores real people. It was exactly the same when Shooter came round. He's never exactly been conventionally friendly, but he always had this spirit to him... now he looks... I can't even put my finger on it." She looked down a little guiltily. "I had to tell him today that us being together again was a bad idea. I expected him to either hug me and say he agreed, or get annoyed at me but... he still didn't seem to care. It's not that I need him to want to be with me. But as a friend I... I'm worried about him." Her eyes welled up just a little and she dabbed them on her sleeve. "Sorry." She sniffed.

Joshua was silent. He'd never imagined the relationship between the two of them that way, as apathetic as Neku might have seemed towards her. But it was... a lie? Or even... no. No way... it couldn't be... a FRONT, could it? It was a stupid idea but... whatever it was, he still had to know.

"I think I..." Joshua said softly.

"...Should go talk to him." They said in unison.

Shiki nodded, smiling a little. "I think he needs you Josh. We may have been out but... you're his best friend. The one he should have there right now."

Joshua felt guilty for having hidden away in his room while his love might have needed him. It was time to rectify whatever the problem was. If it was to do with him and his flawed actions on Christmas day, they should talk about it rather than ignoring it. If it was something other than him, he was willing to put his thoughts about all of that aside to help Neku get through it.

"I'll go." He said slowly, getting up from his seat. He smiled. He was sure he could fix this. If anything, it was his duty to do so.

"Thank you Josh. And thank you for listening, too." She smiled. "Pink's the colour of a true humanitarian, right?"

He leant over to her, unable to resist the reference to his trademark colour. "Or the colour of one as gay as a daffodil, my dear." He winked at her as she giggled, blushing, and turned to head out of the half-empty cafe.


	17. Confrontation

Joshua couldn't say why he felt nervous standing at Neku's bedroom door. Of all the complex emotions he felt every time he met with Neku, nervousness was rarely one of them. But he couldn't predict how Neku would be when he opened the door. He was used to playful anger between them, Neku was like that. But not this sort of cold awkwardness. He knocked tentatively.

"Yeah?" came the indifferent reply from inside.

Joshua hesitated, biting his lip.

"It's... me..." he said, feeling stupid. "Your... your mum let me in..."

No reply came.

"Neku..."

Instead of a response, slow footsteps headed to the door, and the redhead opened it, looking a little ruffled.

"...Were you asleep?"

Neku shook his head, and as he headed back into the room, the tin pins that littered the bed seemed to confirm his answer. Instead of going back to sorting them, however, Neku took a few steps towards his desk and leaned back against it.

"So..." he said softly. "...what's up?"

"You tell me." Joshua said darkly, crossing his arms. "You're the one who's avoided all contact with me since boxing day."

"I... well..." he was obviously well aware of this fact despite the way he acted.

"That's... I've been busy."

Joshua thought Neku's words held about as much truth as his own claim to Shiki that he was busy when she texted.

"With Shiki?..." he felt the need to bring her up if the strange interactions between the two of them were to blame for Neku's behaviour.

Neku sighed. "...No... she... we're not getting back together after all. I... I couldn't stop thinking about what you said on boxing day. I really was being an asshole. And that... if I liked her I'd show some commitment. But that's the thing... I think... well, she's... my friend... but... I don't like her... in that way."

Joshua nodded, pausing before speaking. "Do you... like anyone?" he tried his best to smirk despite his turbulent inner emotions, attempting to pretend he was asking in his usual teasing tone when really self-interest and just a little hope lurked beneath the enquiry.

"I- no- it's none of your business!" Neku snapped, then, possibly realising this flaring up in itself was slightly suspicious, turned his face away, reddening. Looking uncertain, he walked over to the bed and sat down awkwardly. Joshua followed him, but didn't sit down, hovering over a metre away. There was an uncomfortable silence which Josh felt the need to break by finally bringing up what he believed as the real reason Neku hadn't been speaking to him.

"Neku." He said quietly as the other avoided his gaze. "We kissed on Christmas day."

The other boy looked up indignantly. "How can you just claim that... l-like it was me that... you kissed me!"

"I know, I know, and I'm sorry I did it... but you have to admit, your reaction-"

Neku cut him off. "You're just a pervert, you know that? You act like you're my best friend, but what? Underneath it all you just want to screw me, is that it?"

Joshua couldn't breathe for a second. Neku's words rang out in his head and he wasn't sure if he was more shocked or hurt.

"Neku..." he said in a somewhat choked voice.

Neku looked just as taken aback by his own words, but stubborn as he was he would not retract them.. "Well... it's true... isn't it?" he looked up at Josh.

Joshua looked him straight in the eyes coldly. "No." He said honestly, sitting down a little way away from Neku on the bed, looking down at his hands. "Neku... yes I think of you in a sexual way sometimes. I- I can't help it. I think you're gorgeous. But most of all I think about holding you. Kissing you. Walking hand-in-hand with you. Sometimes you give me this little smile when we're alone and all I can feel is pure happiness. All I want is to see you happy. I'm not a butterfly catcher trying to pin you down. I'm more like someone watching you fly, in awe..."

"You realise I'm not a butterfly type person, right?" the redhead interrupted.

"Yes I... that was just a metaphor I pulled out of nowhere but... I guess what I'm trying to say is... if it was a sexual thing... then it wouldn't hurt me this way." He looked Neku in the eye again and subconsciously put a hand to his heart. "I love you as a friend. I always will. Nothing about that is false. And yet... I also... think I'm... iin/i love with you."

Neku said nothing for what seemed like eternity, and then finally responded. "Well I can't-" his voice sounded oddly strangled, and it took Josh a second to realise why. The other boy was trying not to cry. "I'm sorry Josh. But I don't feel anything like that for you."

Joshua still sensed dishonesty. "Not... at all?"

"Nothing."

"But the kiss... you..."

"Oh, Josh!" Neku said, half-whining, half-yelling. "Don't start that again!"

"I'm just saying Neku... sometimes things aren't always the way we think and..."

"Well not with me!" the redhead snapped.

"I'm not saying you have to downright... well I was thinking, have you considered that you may be bisexual?"

"...Oh, fuck OFF."

"Neku!" he could feel his voice heightening in volume from the impact of Neku doing the same. "You DID kiss me back, you can't deny that you must've been... what?... curious?... or..."

"Sh-shut up! I was drunk! I wasn't thinking!" they were both full-on shouting now.

"There's nothing wrong with it, Neku. You've already made it clear you're not homophobic. So you can at least accept that you could be bi. It's normal-"

"I KNOW THAT! BUT I'M STILL NOT!"

"How do you know for sure?"

The tension held back in Neku's voice suddenly exploded into a full-on outburst. "BECAUSE I'VE NEVER FANCIED A GIRL, OK?"

Silence rang out through the room.


	18. Tension

"...What?" Joshua breathed. "What did you just...?"

Neku said nothing. But the words hung like icicles in the tense air between them; it had all but been said, with much less ambiguity than Joshua's vague admittance several days before. Unless Neku's suggestion was that he was asexual... it was very clear what he had meant.

"Neku..." he said quietly.

"Look, whatever you're going to say, or ask, you can shut up now alright!"

"You..." he paused, still incredulous. "...You're gay?"

"What did I JUST SAY?" Neku snapped, but as he moved his body language was oddly shaky, betraying his lack of confidence at the situation.

"But you are, aren't you?"

"Look, if it wasn't already perfectly clear, we are not talking about this!" still shaky, he folded his arms and as if to make a point, lay back on the bed away from Joshua's gaze, looking into the distance to avoid all possibility of eye contact as tin pins clinked around him due to the intrusion.

"But... wha..." Joshua didn't even know how to respond to the other boy's words and behaviour, in fact, for once in all his time with Neku, he was genuinely speechless. If what Neku was saying was true then... Shiki... their whole relationship, it had been a facade after all. And then... what about himself? Did this mean that Neku did like him? Or... what if the issue was that despite his attraction to males, he didn't feel that way about Joshua? That would be perhaps the biggest let down of all, so far removed from the reasons that Joshua had previously assumed his love to be unrequited. There was so much to ask... but Neku wouldn't speak of it. The best he could do was something a little more removed from the situation.

"...How..." he said incredulously. "How long have you known?"

"...F-four..."

"Months?

"YEARS, asshole." Though irritable as ever, Neku seemed a little more willing to talk when Joshua wasn't looking directly at him.

"Four years?..." he said, reaffirming rather than actually asking. "Then... who..."

Neku misunderstood what the question was intended to become. "A few guys from school." came the quiet reply. "J-just kissing..." he added hastily.

"Oh... no..." Joshua would have found the confusion amusing were the tension between them not so palpable. "...I meant... who knows?"

There was a very long silence, then an unassuming "...You."

"Oh..." Joshua said quietly. It seemed any anger between them had dissolved into awkward silence. "That's a long time to be... in the closet as it were..."

"Mmm." Neku affirmed, still forming a block against questions where it was possible.

"Don't you think... people should know?"

"No." The redhead answered stubbornly.

"You can't just keep your entire sexuality a secret forever, Neku."

"I can and I will."

Joshua was incredulous by this huge amount of willing denial his friend had. "But... I... how can you even live like that?" he turned his head to see the redhead still staring at the ceiling.

"I'm used to it." came the reply. "As long as no-one... finds out... it's fine." His tone betrayed that his true feelings differed immensely from what he said. It was heartbreaking.

"And what about me...?" Joshua said quietly. Neku didn't reply, not even acknowledging the question. Taking the risk, the silver-haired boy turned his body and moved closer to Neku, so he was on his hands and knees, his face poised over the others, much as he had been the time when he had ended up kissing him.

"What?" Neku said indignantly, in response to the demanding gaze upon him rather than the words that had been spoken previously, looking flustered again.

"What about ME, Neku?"

Azure eyes stared back at violet ones in response, the pain in them apparent. He had been dealing with this a LONG time. "Josh..." the boy whispered, and it was clear from his strangled tone that he might cry again. "L-leave me alone. I can't..."

Joshua tentatively moved a hand to stroke the redhead's face. "It'll be alright." He soothed.

"No it won't!... I can't..." he looked away, his chest rising and falling rapidly in vague panic. "People... my friends... m-my parents..." this last one seemed to make his breathing even more erratic, and Joshua struggled to reach for the boy's hand. "Shit my-"

He was cut off in surprised as Joshua gripped the hand he had been reaching for. The air was silent.

"It'll be ok." He said, every word of the phrase honest.

"D-don't, Josh!" Neku said, sounding more scared than ever at the words that were intended to reassure.

"I'll protect you." This brought the tears spilling from the corners of the redhead's eyes, perhaps the reason why he had feared kind words. Joshua knew that in reality, Neku needed time to deal with having told someone for the first time, needed time to feel his emotions, work through them properly, but he wasn't letting himself. At the same time, exactly what was between them was hanging in the balance.

"I will. I promise." He reached his arms around the other boy as best he could in their awkward position, letting the boy's face rest against his shoulder, as he knew the other was defiant and would rather Josh didn't see him cry, even if he was comforting him.

This seemed to be the correct choice, as Neku willingly buried his face in the shirt of the boy holding him, despite his sniffling mumble of "You don't... have to do that..." his words could refer to Josh's comforting hold or his promise of protection, but then, those were one and the same by this point.

Neku was everything to him, and he trembled with the desperate anticipation of needing to know what all this meant.


End file.
